Audrey Fairchild Ph.D.

“Dr. Fairchild is very knowledgeable about teens, that’s for sure.
She is a highly skilled coach and a good listener.
I’ve made it through parenting my kids because
of the strategies she has me using.”

Jill’s mom

Teens And Their Changing Needs

One of the biggest shifts that occurs in teenhood is the change in allegiances. While the teen realizes his or her growing physical strength and dexterity, they crave a place to show it off. They often become completely self absorbed, in wonder and confusion about the changes that have occurred in such a quick period of time. Never in the life of the entire body has so much change occurred internally. Teens often experience sadness at leaving childhood behind, which is translated as anger or frustration. “No one understands me” is translated as “you guys don’t know what you’re talking about”. Teens gravitate to the only ones who have a hope of understanding….other teens. The bond between like minded teens grows very strong, and allegiances shift from beloved family members to beloved friends. The tremendous shift that occurs now is their single driving force: to be accepted by “the group” (whoever that is). A sense of belonging is more important to most teens than homework, sleep, curfews, etcetera. Because the teen brain has not matured enough to process long-range consequences, teens live in the moment and are often bewildered and feel highly misunderstood when the consequences come find them the next day. What teens need most at this exciting and bewildering time of their life are:

• Patience: Teenagers need to have the opportunity to process information and make connections.


• Relevance: Teenagers ARE motivated by what matters to them.


• Connection: Teenagers are highly emotional, and using a more engaging and empathic parenting style will bring out more communication in them, and a better relationship with you.


• Privacy: Teenagers need time to figure out who they are. They need to feel accepted and respected by others because they are often filled with self-doubt and low confidence.


• Friends: Their social networks support them.


• Trust: Teenagers see themselves through your eyes, not what you tell them to be, but what you demonstrate they are capable of. Give them opportunities to do the right thing, and acknowledge them when they do.


• Guidance: Teenagers are still immature socially and need instruction in social skills and opportunities to practice them


• Novelty: Teens are often bored and disconnected because they aren’t getting enough mental stimulation – they often seek out thrills that are too dangerous, in their effort to stimulate their brains and adrenal systems. Try doing new things together as a family.

The Teen Brain

The most surprising thing about the adolescent brain is that this is a time of profound brain growth and change. The only other time there has been so much change in the brain has been at age 2. The brain is going through a huge cycle of pruning back or eliminating branches (dendrites) that have not been used (the old “use it or lose it” adage). By age six, the brain is already 95 percent of its adult size. But the gray matter, or thinking part of the brain, continues to thicken throughout childhood as the brain cells get extra connections, much like a tree growing extra branches, twigs and roots. In the frontal part of the brain, the part of the brain involved in judgment, organization, planning, strategizing -- this process of thickening at roughly about the same time as puberty. Unfortunately, pre-frontal cortex area (the PFC) does not completely myelinate until age 25…. in other words, the brain needs lots and lots of practice planning and executing the plan until at 25, the brain is completely wired, and is able to strategize about finishing homework and taking out the trash. It’s not that teens are stupid or lazy, and it’s unfair to expect them to have adult levels of organization skills or decision making before their brain is finished being built.